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  • Dad irritational HELP!!

    What do you when you have always obeyed your parents? I am 25 working towards my mba the oldest daughter with one younger brother whose smart n acts way tooo older than his age...I found my bf on shaadi.com because my parents wanted me to get an arranged marriage to someone in India. I am from the US and have lived here since the age of 7, so my parents and I agreed that shaadi.com was a half way point.

    I fell in love with my boyfriend gradually he was and remains a compelete gentlemen from the first day I meet him. But my parents want me to dump him first the excuse was him and I don't match astrologically and I will have a horrible life with him...this was really shocking to me because overall I have never been told the importance nor cared for or ever believed astrological aspects of our culture. Although I respect it, I have personally never followed it. I love my parents but it hurts me sooo much that they do not care for my happiness and our basing things on his family is different, he won't fit into our family and plainly my dad has said, "if you care about MY happiness you'll stop talking to him." My bf is the same caste and religion as me.

    Ironically, my father has asked we get engaged and has meet my bf several times (my bf has had dinner with my family). My bf lives in the east coast so we have a long distance relationship. He is working (manager), getting his mba and does real estate on the side. His parents love me. I cry some days and other days I'm happy I have always been a good daughter, but I love my bf and see him as my husband. I don't understand my parents views? Neither I nor my bf have disrespected my parents? My dad has said I will go meet his parents and shook my bf’s hand on it!? And now he says I want nothing to do with him nor do I care about his family. HELP.? I feel like at this point my dad just wants his way and for me to abide by his views.

  • #2
    Tina

    From what you describe to me, you are a good daughter apart from being a intelligent girl and careful about handling things maturely.

    I have had a sad situation where a friend of mine (classmate from my MBA) faced a similar situation and due to some stupid astrologer predicting something bad, the proposed marriage never happened because her educated parents who are in high administrative services couldn't get over their superstitous fears. I am not sure if it happened for good.

    My take is its good you recognize there is no problem in your situation except that of parents believing in something that is mumbo jumbo and has no place in progressive society. NRIs may find it natural to link astrology to indian culture but we should know what is positive and what is negative about our society.and astrology and superstitions are something we are trying hard to get rid of since many centuries.

    having said this, its not easy to make someone who is past middle age and your parents at that to change views overnight or see the futility of such stupid stuff.

    My advice is its a choice you have - you could be nice to your parents and go with their wish. however, would you be doing justice to your parent's ultimate goal that they want to see you happy in the long run if you ruin your own life because you gave in to their irrational fears? if at the end all your parents want is what is good for you and you are mature enough to know what that is for you, its a call you have to take. There are times when one has to be nice and respectful and listen to advice but do what one thinks is best after careful consideration (even if that means little ego troubles for your near and dear ones in short run).

    another friend of mine (a guy) had a similar situation - met a girl through parents, liked her (matched in all respects - religion, caste etc) but then his parents wanted him to back out. well, this guy (a senior from my b-school) ultimately went ahead married the girl (without his parents approval or attendance) went through pain and is still trying to cope with it while his parents are in the high eyebrow mode still months later. well, he is convinced he took the right decision and i was surprised to see the softspoken person take such a strong stance. i think somewhere he realized when you are right, its right to take a assertive (though not aggresive) stand and be firm. i admire his courage and i am sure so will his parents eventually as all they want is good for him.

    Maybe your parents will feel bad you went against their advice. however they will eventually see they were wrong and nothing bad came out of your astorgical mismatch with the guy you want to marry.

    however, if you go against your dreams and convictions just to please your parents, that may turn out to be a bigger risk to your ultimate happiness in married life (and a real one unlike the mythical astrogical issues)

    so pick and choose what you feel makes sense 10 years down the line when a lot of stuff can change - including your parents views. you wouldn't want to look back and say hey, i gave up my dreams for what- parents irrational fears 10 years ago?

    if that means parents feeling really really bad now - well there is a cost to some things and if the thing is Right in your mind, its worth paying. the cost of not doing the thing may turn out to be much more in the long run (for both your and your parents).

    God bless you !

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    • #3
      I listen to alot of stories like these and I cant help but to think most East Indians come to this country (US) well educated or to be educated your parents have send you out to concord the world and in most cases you have traveled further then your parents will ever travel and with all this progress they do not trust your judgment enough to pick a good mate ? Things are not like it was when your parents was young this is a new world. We honor our parents but we must except change in order to prepare ourself for the future.

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      • #4
        We should be very practical in our approach regarding marriage, tina dont go by heart in case of marriage. Marriage is always calculation when it is an arrange marriage, all parent want best for there childeren so if you trust your parent then there must be some thing they had thought about you.

        Initially all love is very beautiful but when male and female live together and come accross the daily activity of each other at that time they come to know reality.

        Fact is that marriage (arrange or love marriage) both in a long run becomes adjustment to stay with each other . ...
        Before marriage you must know how much flexible you can be. & how much adjustment you can do?....

        If you are meeting your boy friend daily and spending lot of time with him then you will know how he is .... most of time male and female try to impress each othere but after marriage .... they come to know the real devil of each other.
        "Situation have way of changing Don’t expect help. Help yourself. The day you help yourself, it’s your First step to success."

        Fight on my dear self, fight on. Life is a struggle, do not shirk struggle Enjoy the sweetness of life but do not stop struggle, Fight on my dear self Do not entertain fear for fear is death. The world will frighten you but fight on, dear self fight on.............

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        • #5
          Tina
          Try to talk to your parents and make them understand that astrology has its limitations. Infact astrology itself says that human effort and initiative can go a long way in countering the ominious signs astrological predictions can give.
          Try to find somebody who is very good with astrology (kind of an authority) and make him/her talk to your parents about how relative astrology can be.
          Dont give up. Good luck

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          • #6
            Tina just trust your parent that is my advice, Gals must be very practical when it comes to marriage. May be your father think that he will find some one nice and more good then the guy you think you are loving ..... your father had given his whole life for you and your mother. Now its your turn to make them happy and feel them proud. For realtionship of 6-7 month that on phone and email (i.e long distance) how you can go aginst your dad?...Be Practical Tina
            Last edited by Priyanka; 12-28-2005, 05:21 PM.
            Making a million friends is not a miracle, the miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when a million are against you..

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            • #7
              Tina Dil hai ki manta nahi ... Aur deemak hai ki chalta nahi ..
              Tina I hope you understand what i mean?...
              Its better to be practical in our approach towards our life... Rest is up to you

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