Hello all:
I'm new to this board. As the title suggests, I’m going through one of the most difficult situation in my life. My decision is going to change the dynamics of my relationship with my family and relatives. I don’t have a habit of writing a dairy and penning down my feelings. Then I figured, there should be some place where I can write about what I’m going through and see how people react to it. Anyways, I was browsing internet for some stupid information like "emotional blackmail by parents in love marriages", etc. and I came across this wonderful website. Here is the flashback –
I’m from a middle-class south Indian family. I left India for Master’s 6 years ago. I have an elder brother (unmarried) and a younger sister (married). The year I left US was great. I got my visa and my brother’s job in a software firm in India on the same day. My upbringing was “semi-conservative”. But I always had differences with my dad when it comes to caste system, relatives, dowry, and society. For me, caste, color, or race never mattered when I like a person.
A year later, I met this girl in my department (same branch) in the University and we became very good friends. In a simple way, she is everything that I’m not. In the mean time I made a trip back to India for vacationing and paid a visit to her parents; I liked them, esp the way they look at life. Even they are middle class family just like ours. Their only son is pursuing his PdD in UK. Time passed by and I’ve been looking for jobs in my field (civil engg, not IT). I know it pays less, but thats' what I love doing, even though I make a little. It was the post September 2001 period. It was tough for everyone. It was during that time she was really there for me, while my dad was constantly nagging me to shift to IT field, which I can never fit into. That was the time when I felt that I should be with a person like her. She knows everything about me, my family, my background, my financial state, etc. She reads my mind as if I have a window on my forehead. That’s how much she knows me. I told her how I felt and after pursuing for a while, she thought about it and then agreed. While I was looking out for jobs she made a trip to home and my parents happened to meet her & her parents. They really liked them and even spoke high of them.
Anyways, I got this job offer 3 years back. After 1.5 year, she got a job offer in the same city. We did not want to wait and decided to live together. We informed our parents about us and about us living together and making the next big move of getting married. As usual, they did not take it well. After my initial pursuit, her parents were OK with my decision, but wanted me to talk to my parents about it. My parents first started to talk about caste differences, formalities, traditions, and all other things. In a bid of desperation, my parents even called up her parents and started talking about my financial state and that I will not be able to take care of their daughter, blah blah blah…But her parents said only one thing – “our daughter said she will be happy with your son. They are adults and if we say no here, they might take some hasty decisions, such as getting married in US itself. When it comes to kids happiness, all these formalities and traditions don’t matter.” These comments have been misconstrued my parents think that her parents are helping us in this semi-eloping process.
In the mean time, we both needed to get our H-1s stamped in India. As you all can guess the difficulties in obtaining vacation time for both of us from two different companies during the same time, we decided to get married in India when we go back., thinking that I can pursue my parents. As we know money is a big issue, we wanted both of our parents NOT to spend a single paisa from their pocket for our wedding. We pooled in all our savings, bought the tickets, made arrangements for their hotel stay, their flight journeys within India, marriage arrangements, gifts, new clothes, etc. When we informed about our plan, my parents were really pissed off, while her parents started to involve and did not let us spend the money. My parents suggested that I use this trip for engagement and then come back in another 6 months and get married in India or make arrangements for their arrival in US so that we can get married here in US. I’m not OK with this idea. In my view, engagement provides a period of time during which the girl and the guy can know each other and in the mean time if things don’t match they can break it off before wedding. But, this case is different. Why should be spend on another trip when we can use the same to get our parents here for vacationing. We wanted to eliminate (1) time (2) money, and (3) unnecessary arguments. It’s all about comfort zones. Also, my parents wanted her parents to come down and first talk to them about me. I have a hint about what they are going to talk - dowry, gifts, gold, etc. I asked them to talk over the phone, which never materialized. Anyways, we got approved for a 30-day vacation and then we decided on a “convenient date” (with the help of her parents) for us to get married so that we can take care of other post-marriage official business in India, plus, we thought we can spend the rest of the days with our families, since it’s been like 3 years for both of us.
After a series of phone calls and discussions, my parents said they will agree, but not for the date we decided. They are coming up with reasons that I should not get married before my elder brother (1.5 yr older) does. It seems, this will reduce my life expectancy. My brother’s story is also fascinating. He is in love with a girl working in the same IT company for the past 5 years. Initially my parents disagreed because she is from different caste, different language speaking, plus, based on her birth star, if my brother marries that girl, my dad will die. After seeing my brother’s obstinacy, my parents came up with an option saying that she needs to convert herself into our caste by being adopted by somebody from our caste before they get married. After years and years of discussions, they came up with another option of performing some kind of pujas to get rid of that shani. I’m shocked with the way things changed over 5 years. I’m not an atheist, but at the same time I’m not so fanatic about putting a girl through caste conversion, performing pujas to please God who already wrote everybody’s fate. Finally, by the time they agreed he had to be in US for an on-site project and he cannot go back soon.
Anyways, coming back to my issue, to reduce my life expectancy, it seems I need to perform some pujas for a week-long before I get married. Then, I said I can “try” to come to India a week before and take care of the rituals. Then they came up with another reason that our dog (that we loved very much) died on the same day last year. So, they do not want my wedding day as that day. Actually my wedding date is technically the following day early morning hours. In any case, I arranged for a conference call with both the parents, but things got out of control. My parents were just on one point, to change the date to some other date. Her parents tried to convince that it’s the peak marriage season, there are no good marriage halls left, plus, we already made arrangements for that date, and all my parents have to do is just bless us and enjoy being served. This time my parent’s attitude pissed off my GF parents too. So, it was up to us to make the decision. I just felt that – my parents don’t like the girl and they don’t want me to get married to her. That’s why they are coming up with so many reasons. I even explained them that it is their heartfelt blessings that will protect me than these pujas/rituals. This is what I always believed. I’m also assuring them my marriage will never reduce my love for them. That’s what my GF is also saying. She does not want to see me unhappy without my parents.
On one side, I have my parents, who for no-doubt have taken care of me, but are also very hard to satisfy. My dad is never happy with me being in Civil as it pays less, whereas my counterparts are earning almost double. I know that’s for my own good, but what to do, I’m never inclined to IT field. For me, money is not everything. My job is very secure and it allows me to have a peaceful sleep at night, plus, I feel so proud that I did not waste my 4-years of engineering. On the other hand, my GF loves her parents too and cannot see them being misused after making so many arrangements. They did all these things after we gave a green signal. So, I decided I should get married on the scheduled date, no matter what. I agree, some love marriages can be arranged, provided both the sides have an accepting and forgiving attitude, but some may end up hurting one side. Many of you may feel that I’m doing wrong, but my parents leave me no choice. I just did not want to wait and put so many lives in distress like my brother did and still doing. I feel these things should be done like a band-aid. Just rip-them in one peel-off.
I know what I’m doing and I know how it will affect my life and their life too, but I’m just hoping that one day they are going to put water under the bridge and stay happy with us. That’s what we sincerely want. As far as both of us are concerned, I cannot imagine my life without her. More than love, it just seems that we both got used to each other very much. May be that's love.
I know that you guys cannot feel and understand exactly the same as what I’m going through. Everybody’s situation is unique. But, I welcome you guys to voice your opinion. This is not a survey, but I’m just trying to find hope in your opinions.
Thank you very much for your time and patience.
Andy.
I'm new to this board. As the title suggests, I’m going through one of the most difficult situation in my life. My decision is going to change the dynamics of my relationship with my family and relatives. I don’t have a habit of writing a dairy and penning down my feelings. Then I figured, there should be some place where I can write about what I’m going through and see how people react to it. Anyways, I was browsing internet for some stupid information like "emotional blackmail by parents in love marriages", etc. and I came across this wonderful website. Here is the flashback –
I’m from a middle-class south Indian family. I left India for Master’s 6 years ago. I have an elder brother (unmarried) and a younger sister (married). The year I left US was great. I got my visa and my brother’s job in a software firm in India on the same day. My upbringing was “semi-conservative”. But I always had differences with my dad when it comes to caste system, relatives, dowry, and society. For me, caste, color, or race never mattered when I like a person.
A year later, I met this girl in my department (same branch) in the University and we became very good friends. In a simple way, she is everything that I’m not. In the mean time I made a trip back to India for vacationing and paid a visit to her parents; I liked them, esp the way they look at life. Even they are middle class family just like ours. Their only son is pursuing his PdD in UK. Time passed by and I’ve been looking for jobs in my field (civil engg, not IT). I know it pays less, but thats' what I love doing, even though I make a little. It was the post September 2001 period. It was tough for everyone. It was during that time she was really there for me, while my dad was constantly nagging me to shift to IT field, which I can never fit into. That was the time when I felt that I should be with a person like her. She knows everything about me, my family, my background, my financial state, etc. She reads my mind as if I have a window on my forehead. That’s how much she knows me. I told her how I felt and after pursuing for a while, she thought about it and then agreed. While I was looking out for jobs she made a trip to home and my parents happened to meet her & her parents. They really liked them and even spoke high of them.
Anyways, I got this job offer 3 years back. After 1.5 year, she got a job offer in the same city. We did not want to wait and decided to live together. We informed our parents about us and about us living together and making the next big move of getting married. As usual, they did not take it well. After my initial pursuit, her parents were OK with my decision, but wanted me to talk to my parents about it. My parents first started to talk about caste differences, formalities, traditions, and all other things. In a bid of desperation, my parents even called up her parents and started talking about my financial state and that I will not be able to take care of their daughter, blah blah blah…But her parents said only one thing – “our daughter said she will be happy with your son. They are adults and if we say no here, they might take some hasty decisions, such as getting married in US itself. When it comes to kids happiness, all these formalities and traditions don’t matter.” These comments have been misconstrued my parents think that her parents are helping us in this semi-eloping process.
In the mean time, we both needed to get our H-1s stamped in India. As you all can guess the difficulties in obtaining vacation time for both of us from two different companies during the same time, we decided to get married in India when we go back., thinking that I can pursue my parents. As we know money is a big issue, we wanted both of our parents NOT to spend a single paisa from their pocket for our wedding. We pooled in all our savings, bought the tickets, made arrangements for their hotel stay, their flight journeys within India, marriage arrangements, gifts, new clothes, etc. When we informed about our plan, my parents were really pissed off, while her parents started to involve and did not let us spend the money. My parents suggested that I use this trip for engagement and then come back in another 6 months and get married in India or make arrangements for their arrival in US so that we can get married here in US. I’m not OK with this idea. In my view, engagement provides a period of time during which the girl and the guy can know each other and in the mean time if things don’t match they can break it off before wedding. But, this case is different. Why should be spend on another trip when we can use the same to get our parents here for vacationing. We wanted to eliminate (1) time (2) money, and (3) unnecessary arguments. It’s all about comfort zones. Also, my parents wanted her parents to come down and first talk to them about me. I have a hint about what they are going to talk - dowry, gifts, gold, etc. I asked them to talk over the phone, which never materialized. Anyways, we got approved for a 30-day vacation and then we decided on a “convenient date” (with the help of her parents) for us to get married so that we can take care of other post-marriage official business in India, plus, we thought we can spend the rest of the days with our families, since it’s been like 3 years for both of us.
After a series of phone calls and discussions, my parents said they will agree, but not for the date we decided. They are coming up with reasons that I should not get married before my elder brother (1.5 yr older) does. It seems, this will reduce my life expectancy. My brother’s story is also fascinating. He is in love with a girl working in the same IT company for the past 5 years. Initially my parents disagreed because she is from different caste, different language speaking, plus, based on her birth star, if my brother marries that girl, my dad will die. After seeing my brother’s obstinacy, my parents came up with an option saying that she needs to convert herself into our caste by being adopted by somebody from our caste before they get married. After years and years of discussions, they came up with another option of performing some kind of pujas to get rid of that shani. I’m shocked with the way things changed over 5 years. I’m not an atheist, but at the same time I’m not so fanatic about putting a girl through caste conversion, performing pujas to please God who already wrote everybody’s fate. Finally, by the time they agreed he had to be in US for an on-site project and he cannot go back soon.
Anyways, coming back to my issue, to reduce my life expectancy, it seems I need to perform some pujas for a week-long before I get married. Then, I said I can “try” to come to India a week before and take care of the rituals. Then they came up with another reason that our dog (that we loved very much) died on the same day last year. So, they do not want my wedding day as that day. Actually my wedding date is technically the following day early morning hours. In any case, I arranged for a conference call with both the parents, but things got out of control. My parents were just on one point, to change the date to some other date. Her parents tried to convince that it’s the peak marriage season, there are no good marriage halls left, plus, we already made arrangements for that date, and all my parents have to do is just bless us and enjoy being served. This time my parent’s attitude pissed off my GF parents too. So, it was up to us to make the decision. I just felt that – my parents don’t like the girl and they don’t want me to get married to her. That’s why they are coming up with so many reasons. I even explained them that it is their heartfelt blessings that will protect me than these pujas/rituals. This is what I always believed. I’m also assuring them my marriage will never reduce my love for them. That’s what my GF is also saying. She does not want to see me unhappy without my parents.
On one side, I have my parents, who for no-doubt have taken care of me, but are also very hard to satisfy. My dad is never happy with me being in Civil as it pays less, whereas my counterparts are earning almost double. I know that’s for my own good, but what to do, I’m never inclined to IT field. For me, money is not everything. My job is very secure and it allows me to have a peaceful sleep at night, plus, I feel so proud that I did not waste my 4-years of engineering. On the other hand, my GF loves her parents too and cannot see them being misused after making so many arrangements. They did all these things after we gave a green signal. So, I decided I should get married on the scheduled date, no matter what. I agree, some love marriages can be arranged, provided both the sides have an accepting and forgiving attitude, but some may end up hurting one side. Many of you may feel that I’m doing wrong, but my parents leave me no choice. I just did not want to wait and put so many lives in distress like my brother did and still doing. I feel these things should be done like a band-aid. Just rip-them in one peel-off.
I know what I’m doing and I know how it will affect my life and their life too, but I’m just hoping that one day they are going to put water under the bridge and stay happy with us. That’s what we sincerely want. As far as both of us are concerned, I cannot imagine my life without her. More than love, it just seems that we both got used to each other very much. May be that's love.
I know that you guys cannot feel and understand exactly the same as what I’m going through. Everybody’s situation is unique. But, I welcome you guys to voice your opinion. This is not a survey, but I’m just trying to find hope in your opinions.
Thank you very much for your time and patience.
Andy.
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