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Love & Marriage - My story...still needs ending

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  • Love & Marriage - My story...still needs ending

    Hello all:

    I'm new to this board. As the title suggests, I’m going through one of the most difficult situation in my life. My decision is going to change the dynamics of my relationship with my family and relatives. I don’t have a habit of writing a dairy and penning down my feelings. Then I figured, there should be some place where I can write about what I’m going through and see how people react to it. Anyways, I was browsing internet for some stupid information like "emotional blackmail by parents in love marriages", etc. and I came across this wonderful website. Here is the flashback –

    I’m from a middle-class south Indian family. I left India for Master’s 6 years ago. I have an elder brother (unmarried) and a younger sister (married). The year I left US was great. I got my visa and my brother’s job in a software firm in India on the same day. My upbringing was “semi-conservative”. But I always had differences with my dad when it comes to caste system, relatives, dowry, and society. For me, caste, color, or race never mattered when I like a person.

    A year later, I met this girl in my department (same branch) in the University and we became very good friends. In a simple way, she is everything that I’m not. In the mean time I made a trip back to India for vacationing and paid a visit to her parents; I liked them, esp the way they look at life. Even they are middle class family just like ours. Their only son is pursuing his PdD in UK. Time passed by and I’ve been looking for jobs in my field (civil engg, not IT). I know it pays less, but thats' what I love doing, even though I make a little. It was the post September 2001 period. It was tough for everyone. It was during that time she was really there for me, while my dad was constantly nagging me to shift to IT field, which I can never fit into. That was the time when I felt that I should be with a person like her. She knows everything about me, my family, my background, my financial state, etc. She reads my mind as if I have a window on my forehead. That’s how much she knows me. I told her how I felt and after pursuing for a while, she thought about it and then agreed. While I was looking out for jobs she made a trip to home and my parents happened to meet her & her parents. They really liked them and even spoke high of them.

    Anyways, I got this job offer 3 years back. After 1.5 year, she got a job offer in the same city. We did not want to wait and decided to live together. We informed our parents about us and about us living together and making the next big move of getting married. As usual, they did not take it well. After my initial pursuit, her parents were OK with my decision, but wanted me to talk to my parents about it. My parents first started to talk about caste differences, formalities, traditions, and all other things. In a bid of desperation, my parents even called up her parents and started talking about my financial state and that I will not be able to take care of their daughter, blah blah blah…But her parents said only one thing – “our daughter said she will be happy with your son. They are adults and if we say no here, they might take some hasty decisions, such as getting married in US itself. When it comes to kids happiness, all these formalities and traditions don’t matter.” These comments have been misconstrued my parents think that her parents are helping us in this semi-eloping process.

    In the mean time, we both needed to get our H-1s stamped in India. As you all can guess the difficulties in obtaining vacation time for both of us from two different companies during the same time, we decided to get married in India when we go back., thinking that I can pursue my parents. As we know money is a big issue, we wanted both of our parents NOT to spend a single paisa from their pocket for our wedding. We pooled in all our savings, bought the tickets, made arrangements for their hotel stay, their flight journeys within India, marriage arrangements, gifts, new clothes, etc. When we informed about our plan, my parents were really pissed off, while her parents started to involve and did not let us spend the money. My parents suggested that I use this trip for engagement and then come back in another 6 months and get married in India or make arrangements for their arrival in US so that we can get married here in US. I’m not OK with this idea. In my view, engagement provides a period of time during which the girl and the guy can know each other and in the mean time if things don’t match they can break it off before wedding. But, this case is different. Why should be spend on another trip when we can use the same to get our parents here for vacationing. We wanted to eliminate (1) time (2) money, and (3) unnecessary arguments. It’s all about comfort zones. Also, my parents wanted her parents to come down and first talk to them about me. I have a hint about what they are going to talk - dowry, gifts, gold, etc. I asked them to talk over the phone, which never materialized. Anyways, we got approved for a 30-day vacation and then we decided on a “convenient date” (with the help of her parents) for us to get married so that we can take care of other post-marriage official business in India, plus, we thought we can spend the rest of the days with our families, since it’s been like 3 years for both of us.

    After a series of phone calls and discussions, my parents said they will agree, but not for the date we decided. They are coming up with reasons that I should not get married before my elder brother (1.5 yr older) does. It seems, this will reduce my life expectancy. My brother’s story is also fascinating. He is in love with a girl working in the same IT company for the past 5 years. Initially my parents disagreed because she is from different caste, different language speaking, plus, based on her birth star, if my brother marries that girl, my dad will die. After seeing my brother’s obstinacy, my parents came up with an option saying that she needs to convert herself into our caste by being adopted by somebody from our caste before they get married. After years and years of discussions, they came up with another option of performing some kind of pujas to get rid of that shani. I’m shocked with the way things changed over 5 years. I’m not an atheist, but at the same time I’m not so fanatic about putting a girl through caste conversion, performing pujas to please God who already wrote everybody’s fate. Finally, by the time they agreed he had to be in US for an on-site project and he cannot go back soon.

    Anyways, coming back to my issue, to reduce my life expectancy, it seems I need to perform some pujas for a week-long before I get married. Then, I said I can “try” to come to India a week before and take care of the rituals. Then they came up with another reason that our dog (that we loved very much) died on the same day last year. So, they do not want my wedding day as that day. Actually my wedding date is technically the following day early morning hours. In any case, I arranged for a conference call with both the parents, but things got out of control. My parents were just on one point, to change the date to some other date. Her parents tried to convince that it’s the peak marriage season, there are no good marriage halls left, plus, we already made arrangements for that date, and all my parents have to do is just bless us and enjoy being served. This time my parent’s attitude pissed off my GF parents too. So, it was up to us to make the decision. I just felt that – my parents don’t like the girl and they don’t want me to get married to her. That’s why they are coming up with so many reasons. I even explained them that it is their heartfelt blessings that will protect me than these pujas/rituals. This is what I always believed. I’m also assuring them my marriage will never reduce my love for them. That’s what my GF is also saying. She does not want to see me unhappy without my parents.

    On one side, I have my parents, who for no-doubt have taken care of me, but are also very hard to satisfy. My dad is never happy with me being in Civil as it pays less, whereas my counterparts are earning almost double. I know that’s for my own good, but what to do, I’m never inclined to IT field. For me, money is not everything. My job is very secure and it allows me to have a peaceful sleep at night, plus, I feel so proud that I did not waste my 4-years of engineering. On the other hand, my GF loves her parents too and cannot see them being misused after making so many arrangements. They did all these things after we gave a green signal. So, I decided I should get married on the scheduled date, no matter what. I agree, some love marriages can be arranged, provided both the sides have an accepting and forgiving attitude, but some may end up hurting one side. Many of you may feel that I’m doing wrong, but my parents leave me no choice. I just did not want to wait and put so many lives in distress like my brother did and still doing. I feel these things should be done like a band-aid. Just rip-them in one peel-off.

    I know what I’m doing and I know how it will affect my life and their life too, but I’m just hoping that one day they are going to put water under the bridge and stay happy with us. That’s what we sincerely want. As far as both of us are concerned, I cannot imagine my life without her. More than love, it just seems that we both got used to each other very much. May be that's love.

    I know that you guys cannot feel and understand exactly the same as what I’m going through. Everybody’s situation is unique. But, I welcome you guys to voice your opinion. This is not a survey, but I’m just trying to find hope in your opinions.

    Thank you very much for your time and patience.

    Andy.

  • #2
    Hey andy u really think someone is gonna read this whole book u have typed in here??? And then when teh climax comes he will strain his head to find a proper ending. Anyways good luck...

    Of course this task is too much for me. But still i have a suggestion to keep ur heart.. Your last line could be "they happily lived everafter"

    Comment


    • #3
      Not uncommon situation in India

      Andy, this is not uncommon situation in India. A lot of people still believe in castism. Not only earlier generation but even some people from newer generation believe into it.

      My sister a while back went through similar situation. She wanted to marry some one out of cast. My parents were against it. She decided to marry him anyway. She moved out of the house and stayed with the friend until her marriage. Initially, my parents decided not to attend the marriage. At the last minute, my father decided to attend the marriage. After the marriage my parents kept the distance with my sister & brother in law. After couple of years, my sister gave birth to a boy. At that time, my father visited her and that started the healing process between them. In next couple of years, the relationship came back to normal. Now, their relationship is very good.

      One my friend went through similar situation as well. His parents were not for the marriage but over the period of time they gave in and now the relationship is fine.

      The reason to share this is - I can't predict the future but there is good chance that you parents will be fine with the whole thing over the period of time. The fact that they are reluctantly ready for the marriage is not a bad news in itself!

      In mean while I suggest you keep your cool. It's easy to get frustrated in this situation and get mad. But you need to keep bigger picture in mind. You want to get married with their blessings so that things will become better one day!

      How are other close relatives on your side reacting to the whole situation ?
      Do you know someone close on your side who will not be against the marriage ? I suggest try to find more & more people who are for your marriage especially from close relatives and family friends circle. They can help you to reduce your parents resistance.

      I hope this helps !

      Comment


      • #4
        Andy, just stay on course and marry that girl at any cost.
        The way your described your situation, the cost wont be high compared to the cost of you losing that girl.
        Please let your parents know that you will marry that girl come whatever may.
        Parents blackmailing kids regarding their marriage issues is quite common in different cultures, its more melodramatic in indian societies.
        I understand your love for your parents, just let them know that you love them but when it comes to marrying her, you made your decision. Please help your brother as well in his issue.
        All the best.
        -Venky

        Comment


        • #5
          hi. in my opinion u r taking a right decision. u r an adult nd am glad acting like a responsible one too. wish u both all the best.

          Comment


          • #6
            hey mate i think that my story and ur story is abit alike becos my parents at the moement are being childish like urs were...his parents are fine with everything and wnt me to come to pakistan and get married to tariq which i do wnt but my parents keep on making up stupid things to put off the wedding bells i think... anyways i will be getting married to him nxt year even if my parents dont agree with that...its my life at the end of the day...im going to be spending that life not them...they have lived their life and now its our turn....just becos they were not allowed to pick and choice doesnt mean that we cant....its all different now and they have to live with that....

            im with u all the way no matter wat ok...

            just go for ur happiness which matters the most and when ur parents miss u then they will decide to call u and chat with u

            im sure in their hearst that they are happy for u
            i have been through hell but my partner has been there for me unlike my parents have..
            most girls enjoy their lives in their parents homes but i actually hate it..

            never mind about me just think about urself and ur happiness... u dont wnt the same happening with u like it did with ur bother now..do u??

            love
            sana
            take care

            Comment


            • #7
              Hello Guys!!!

              Good discussion going on here.

              Parents can be real tough to deal with at times.

              1. Makes me wonder what made them that tough?
              2. Why do they not understand that this is my life?
              3. Why do they not understand I’ve grown up well enough to make my own decisions?
              4. What is that they want?

              Answer probably lies in being a parent.

              Let me tell you a few things about me. I’m a 28 year old guy. Married happily since 6 years now (I’m married my Wife is happy ). I have a 2.5 years old son. Ya Ya, I married when I was 23. I was in Love. Still am.

              Coming back to the questions.
              1. Makes me wonder what made them that tough?
              A. I did. 20 years of all foolish things I did, made them tough. They hated to do things they had to do so that I do not hurt my self. My son will jump from 4 feet table for fun, when my heart lumps to my mouth. I try to tell him that he might hurt himself. Sometimes he listens, sometimes not. And, sometimes he gets hurt and sometimes not.
              It is not a pleasant feeling seeing your son hurt.

              2. Why do they do not understand that this is my life?
              A. Coz, they spent their entire life, saving my life. They are insecure about me. Since the day I was born, I became their responsibility and they did it for me out of choice and not out of compulsion. They could have utilized the money spent on me, for a better lifestyle for them, but they chose not to. They probably wanted me, not to struggle as they had to in their journey of life. Today I’ll do the same for my son. As they say history repeats itself.

              3. Why do they not understand I’ve grown up well enough to make my own decisions?
              A. I never grew up for them. Probably my son will never grow up for me. Having a child is not acquisition of an asset, which would depreciate. It appreciates by time. Watching your child grow is the most precious gift given to us by nature. When the child grows, I grow too. So how can he ever grow up on me? Just my insecurity that he might take a bad decision and end up hurting himself. Sometimes I overprotect. Not coz I want to display “who the boss is”, but out of my love for him.

              4. What is that they want?
              A. They want to see me happy. No parent in this world (Unless mentally sick) would want to see their children unhappy.

              Just makes me feel sad, that how simply we back bite about our parents.

              Andy,

              All said and done, go for what your heart says. But later, be a man and honor your relationship at both ends. Remember with more responsibilities, you would need more money. Make sure that you are financially sound enough for the arrangement.

              Just my 2 cents.

              Cheers
              Last edited by Kabir; 07-05-2006, 12:48 AM.

              Comment


              • #8
                Thank you everyone

                Hey Rohit, Hemanty, Venky, Ria, Sana, and Kabir

                Thank you very much for your time and opinions. It's great to know that people like you take time from your personal life and post your opinions.

                Anyways, just wanted to let you guys know that I got married this past June and came back to US in July. My parents did not attend the marriage, but I did went and met them after the marriage. No altercations, no arguments. But their behaviour definitely slowed down, for obvious reasons. I tried to re-build trust and confidence in them and at the same time I firmly stated that they have to respect my relationship and my "wife". I left home by advising them to take time to digest the fact, and then be ready to announce our marriage to the world by themselves. It's been 2 months and they've been trying to get close to both of us over the phone and through emails. But I personally feel that they need some more time as they need to get used to my in-law family too.

                All-in-all, I'm hoping that everything turns out great in future. I might be greedy in asking for the best of both the worlds, but there is no harm in trying. And I wish good luck to everyone out there who is sailing in the same boat as I'm in...

                Thank you very much

                Andy

                Comment


                • #9
                  Andy I had gone through your story and every opinion on this thread. I will say …

                  You had already taken decision like responsible guy so don't think that you are doing any mistake see someone has to do compromise or adjustment, Most of Indian Parent feel insecure about their position in society when their daughter or son is marring in different caste and religion its difficult for them to digest. But with the passage of time they understand that their position in society is same.

                  In Your Issue this time you are doing as per the parent of your girl friend, but don't forget your Parent.... it will be good, if your girl friend show respect to your parent in front of them... as most of parent want respect only from their child (i.e. daughter in law and son). I assure you if they will see respect by her for them, they will not have any problem. Some time you have to show it that you really care for them and respect them.

                  To manage any relationship is also a management, which every one has to do without getting degree of management .

                  Tell your few close relative those who understand you to talk to your parent and try to know what type of insecurity they are feeling... Once you will know exact cause of insecurity, you can easily remove that.

                  I will like to Thanks Kabir for raising some useful question and providing better answer to it...on this thread.

                  Regards
                  Sunilkumar
                  "Situation have way of changing Don’t expect help. Help yourself. The day you help yourself, it’s your First step to success."

                  Fight on my dear self, fight on. Life is a struggle, do not shirk struggle Enjoy the sweetness of life but do not stop struggle, Fight on my dear self Do not entertain fear for fear is death. The world will frighten you but fight on, dear self fight on.............

                  Comment


                  • #10
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                    Last edited by Parveen Komal; 05-24-2014, 10:19 AM.

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